Epic Vicious Boyfriend: A Valentine's Day Story
by Bayou Bebe
Summary: Submission for the 2011 Hackers and Hats Valentine's Day Challenge. Dedicated to MauMauKa for shmoop effect. A look into life for Cougar and Jensen on Hallmark-Company-Appreciation-Day. Warnings for extreme shmoop, cursing, and desecration of The Hat.


Hello Everyone!

So I decided to participate in the Hackers and Hats CouJen fanclub contest for Valentine's Day fics! YAY! Which of course means I was doing this instead of Chapter five of ACtB… . Hope ya'll can forgive me!

So this is how I see our boys doing Valentines… don't own 'em of course…

Dedicated to MauMauKa *here kitty kitty* for the extreme amounts of shmoop. My stomach could barely handly it, but I managed, for you. T_T

Enjoy Y'all!

Epic Vicious Boyfriend: A Valentine's Day Story

Carlos "Cougar" Alvarez, woke up as he did every morning, fully engulfed in the long-limbed grasp of his lover, pulled tight against too-warm skin and surrounded by the scents of home. Gun oil, the distinct smell of aftershave, cum, sweat and candy tickling his nose, causing a rare, sleepy smile to bloom across his face.

He spent the next few moments, extracting himself from Jensen's arms, pressing a gentle kiss to the snoring Hacker's cheek and slipping away to take care of his morning constitutions. Showering, shaving, dressing he slipped back into the bedroom and grabbed his hat from the nightstand.

His movements were so fluid, from the years of routine, that he barely caught the flash of red as his tipped forward hat was brought to his head.

He stared in shock at the bright red construction paper in a perfect heart shape sticking to the inside of his hat. Someone touched The Hat.

He saw red.

Snarling, his gaze fell to Jensen, the only one in the world with the audacity to do something of this magnitude.

He quickly climbed on top of the sleeping man, his eyes flashing dangerously as he brought his back up .9mm from his boot to rest against Jensen's head. "Jake." He snapped, smirking as Jensen woke up with a panicked look on his face.

"Cougs? Shit! What the hell, please don't kill me whatever I… oh it's taped in it's taped in! I promise I didn't use glue please don't kill me oh shit oh shit!" the hacker babbled, his hands brought up to rest on the pillow with spread palms as Cougar pinned him with an icy glare. "Just pull it out; please I don't wanna get shot again!" Jensen pleaded, breathing a gentle sigh of relief as the gun was placed on the pillow and the Spaniard shifted, sitting firmly on Jensen's stomach and pulling the red heart from the inside of the hat, the tape coming off easily.

It was more than just a heart he found out. In fact it was a construction paper Valentine's Day card covered in stickers and glitter. He cocked an eyebrow at the blond beneath him and slowly opened the card, smirking at the words written in Jensen's atrocious handwriting with bright purple crayon.

"_Las rosas son rojas, _

_las violetas son azules, _

_eres una bestia bastante sexy, _

_y estoy locamente enamorado de ti."_

_Se mi__San Valentín__?_

Hiding his grin behind the construction paper heart until he could compose himself; he slowly lowered it and stared at Jensen who was holding out his hand, a wrapped Hershey's kiss resting on his palm.

"Happy Valentine's Day?" Jensen asked apprehensively as he waited for his lover's reaction.

Cougar stared back silently.

"Heh… uh Cougs?" Jensen stuttered, shaking his hand slightly to bring the sniper's attention back to the chocolate.

Taking the chocolate from the blonde's hand he smirked and unwrapped it, moaning quietly as he ate the candy before slowly running both hands through the hacker's hair, nails scratching gently along pale scalp as he did. "_Jensen, mi amor?"_

Jensen swallowed harshly, "Yeah?"

The Spaniard smiled and leaned over to whisper in his lover's ear. "You are going to take me to dinner tonight, _si?"_

Jensen moaned and arched his neck so that Cougar would continue petting his hair, "Yes, totally whatever you want to eat." He agreed.

Cougar smirked and scratched his nails firmly over the spot at the base of Jensen's skull getting a full body shudder from the blond. "And you have more candy for me, don't you?"

Jensen hummed in acknowledgement.

Carlos rolled his eyes, "Where is the candy, Jake?" He asked as he tugged gently on Jensen's hair.

"Ooooh… Mmm it's in the… the red bag by the door." Jensen moaned as he arched his hips up in hopes of some friction.

The sniper smirked and scratched the taller man's head a few more times before grabbing his gun and climbing off his lover. "_buen chico."_ He teased before finding the candy and leaving.

Jensen sat on the bed, his brain still muddled from sleep, trying to figure out what had just happened.

"That sneaky bastard!" He groaned half admiringly as he stared up at the dingy ceiling. "Fucking ninja sniper always getting his way…" He muttered as he threw back the covers, any hope of sleeping in now lost, only to pause and stare at the small object Cougar had left on his chest.

It was a small velvet covered box.

"Oh… oh holy…what the… COUGS!" He yelped, grabbing the box, though refusing to look inside lest his brain actually melt. He got out of bed, snagging a pair of boxers from the clean laundry pile and rushing out of the room, "Cougs?" He yelled out again, earning a muffled curse from Roque's room as he passed it on his way to the kitchen.

Pooch was sitting at the table, a bowl of cereal in front of him, absently reading the paper. "Pooch… you see where Cougar went?" He asked the driver, his arms flailing a bit as his eyes darted around the room.

"Jesus Jensen, clothes!" The driver snapped out irritably. "He went out, said he'd be back later." He added at the high pitched whine the tech gave.

Jensen was halfway out the door when the driver's voice stopped him, "JENSEN! PUT ON SOME DAMN PANTS!"

Looking down, the hacker blushed and grudgingly trudged back into the house, grumbling under his breath as he grabbed a set of clothes and his glasses before bolting back outside. He looked around then up and sighed in resignation.

Jumping up he grabbed the bottom rung of the fire escape, pulling himself up and climbing up to the roof. "Carlos!" He called out as he pulled himself up onto the tar coated roof, "You can't jus… you're not here… and now I'm talking to myself… again."

Looking around the roof for a clue as to where the shorter man could be, he sighed and climbed down from the roof, "Bar next." He muttered to himself as he made his way out into the streets, determined to find his elusive boyfriend.

Six hours, three bars, two outdoor markets, a cemetery, nine churches, four parks and every rooftop he could find access to later, Jensen had _still_ not found Cougar.

He had just exited the last bar, a small hole in the wall with cheap tequila and plenty of dancers and was staring down the road with a scowl on his flushed face. The little bastard was _hiding _from him. He had suspected this to be the case three hours in and now he was as certain as his absolute love of Swedish Fish.

He heard a noise from the bar and turned towards it shielding his eyes from the light reflecting from the glass. A dark van pulled up behind him, something that he was barely able to see in the glass before arms reached out from the open door, grabbing his arms and dragging him back into the vehicle before a burlap sack was yanked down over his head.

He fucking hated Valentine's Day.

"Hey I don't know who the fuck you are or who you think I am but I'm telling you man, I am not in the fucking mood for this. I'm fucking dangerous man, I can kill you with a jelly bean and a paper clip… warning you now, it would just be in your best interests to let me go."

Silence greeted him.

"Look man, even if you don't believe I'm dangerous, lemme tell you… I've got this epic vicious boyfriend and he's expecting me to take him out for dinner tonight and I wouldn't want to be you when he catches up and finds you 'cause he's gonna break every bone in your body just for trying to kidnap… man-nap me, man."

There was something that sounded suspiciously like choked laughter in response before someone else smacked him upside the head.

"Oww."

It was roughly ten minutes later when the van crept to a stop, the door opened and he was grabbed by two different people and dragged from a sunny area into a building and after a bit sat down in a chair. "What the hell man, are you all just stupid? Usually when you take someone prisoner you tie them up." He said reaching up to pull the bag from his head.

He blinked owlishly and focused on his surroundings, his mouth dropping open in shock at the fancifully set table, red tapers burning in crystal candlesticks and fine china set out.

Cougar was sitting across from him, a small smile spread over his face. _"Hola querido, __¿cómo__te fue hoy__?"_

Jake sputtered, his hand waving in abrupt gestures towards Carlos as he tried to find the words. "What the _hell, _Cougs!" He snapped finally, "You left me this morning, disappearing like a freaking Spanish Robin Hood, with no clue as to where the hell you flitted off to and I spend all day in a panic and all you have to say for yourself is "how was your day"?" He shrieked.

Cougar smirked, _"Si."_

Jensen stared at him, his face twitching comically, "Irritating, how was yours?" he growled from between gritted teeth.

"Very nice, thank you," Cougar replied before motioning to the side. Jensen looked over and snorted when a small boy, of maybe eight years old, carried a tray with two plates of food and two bottles of beer.

"_Su__comida__,__señores__."_ The kid said with a grin before running away with the five dollar bill Cougar held out for him.

Jensen looked at the meal, his mouth watering at the sight. He was so confused his brain was actually about to hurt. "Cougs when... have you been working on this all day?" He asked, his speech slow as he tried to chose the right words.

Cougar nodded and sipped his beer, "It is better hot, Jake." He said with a grin, gesturing to the hacker's plate with his fork. "Eat."

Jensen automatically tried a bite, letting out a small happy moan at the explosion of flavor. "Yeah but Cougs…"

"Eat."

Jensen glared at him, "You left a…"

"We can talk about it later."

"Cougar!"

"_Later, Jensen!" _The Spaniard snapped.

The blond sat fuming in his seat, slowly eating the meal as the gentle classical music played from a battered boom box in the corner. Each time he tried to speak Carlos had glared at him and the silence was seriously starting to make him itch.

Finally he exploded. "Why did you leave this on my stomach before you pulled a David Copperfield on me?" He asked suddenly, pulling the ring box out and setting it on the table, his leg bouncing suddenly as a bright blush crept across his face.

Cougar sipped his beer casually and met his eyes with a small grin, "For you to propose to me." He said calmly in response.

Jensen stared at Cougar in shock. "Seriously?"

Cougar nodded, _"Si, Carino."_

Jensen grabbed his beer, swallowing it down quickly before getting up and moving to kneel next to the sniper's chair. He was distracted for a moment, breathing in the scent of beer and gun oil with a smile before he looked up to meet his lover's eyes. "Carlos, will you be my bitch forever?" He asked, his lips twitching in a grin.

Cougar's eyes narrowed as he reached out to slap Jensen with a curse.

"OW!" Jensen yelped, a grin splitting his face regardless. Taking a deep breath, his eyes sparkling he tried again, "Cougs, can I be your bitch forever?"

The sniper only glared.

Finally the hacker sobered as he grabbed both of his lover's hands. "Carlos, will you please, let me spend the rest of our lives, annoying you daily, loving you nightly and finding new ways every moment of our time together to worship you properly?" he asked softly, opening the box to present the two simple gold rings to him.

The sniper eyed him for a moment before another smirk twitched at his lips, "I'll think about it."

"COUGS!"

The Spaniard laughed heartily as he reached for one of the rings to slide onto the hacker's hand before accepting the same. Leaning over he kissed the blond sweetly, "Yes, Jensen, I will be your valentine for life."

END.


End file.
